Monthly Archives: May 2006

The Fear!!

I have been thinking hard why I wanted to blog about this topic. When I was climbing the stairs of C.C today, I was 100% sure that I was going to write about this topic today. This was one of few times when I have been so decisive in the past couple of years. And, yet when I typed the topic and tried to roll my fingers on the keyboard to write about it, my fingers stuck!

I was not sure why I was writing about it. Probably, because I was really scared today. After all I saw my marks in couple of the subjects and have faced with a possibility of flunking in both of them. Or, I have been so worried about my future for past couple of weeks and that to is a consequence of my poor academic performance in this fucked up college.

When I say, my college is fucked up, its just an excuse. And its just a way of shoving away from my own responsibility. Its amazing of human nature that when he does something to be proud of, how he feels that the whole world had nothing to do with it; and when he fails in something, he believes that the whole world is conspiring against him/her. So, that I think should sum up why I blame my college for whatever that has gone wrong with me.

But, this time, the scene is all set for something to get really really wrong. I had compromised with life. I had told myself, this fucked up place is not where I was suppose to be in the first place. I had made it clear to myself that I was not doing justice to myself by studying Engineering. I somehow made myself believe that I have a brighter prospect with something else. That, I believed and I loved the plan that I had come up with. I had a vision. I had found a destination where I wanted to reach. It made me happy that I was finally transformed to this guy who is worried. Worried about his future and his family. And, it made me proud that I was really thinking big. That I was capable of thinking something of that large stature.
Then again, today, I have this feeling inside me which says that I am looser. And that I should not be setting goals for myself, and that too real ambitious ones, because they are never going to be achieved. I lack that jest, that synegry, that perseverance needed to do any job. In these past 3 years, I have been nothing but a looser in every field. Every thing that I put my sight onto goes seriosly and irrepairably wrong.

And, that is why I am scared. I am scared of myself. This fear inside me is multiplying with every passing moment, even as I realize that I have seriously failed to identify myself and my career prospects. Yet another failure. And, one of the most agonising fear of mine.